Saturday, November 15, 2008

An Update: Transition stinks but I will be okay

Most people have just about given up on the LBD, but have no fear, I am back and more determined to sort through my thoughts via blogosphere. This may or may not be welcome news seeing as how I am still one big mess of transition. It takes a really kind-hearted person to listen (or read) the same process erupt out of my over-stuffed head, but alas, I am also determined to think the very best of everyone! So, without further delay, let me fill you in, Kind-Hearted Person.

For those of you who have been in the trenches with me when life is messy and I am clearly out of control, you know that my exterior on "in control" is a total fraud. I ran into a dear friend last night and as I explained my transition woes and how I was slowly working through it and not even sure how I felt about it all yet, and she calmly replied, "But that's just your way, Sarah."

A wonderful reminder that I am not put-together.

My brain lately has been tumbleweed. All one big tangled mess, trying to work towards some unknown end goal, yet just bouncing around lost and searching. Most of the tangles come from the job situation.

Basic Recap:
I have a job.
It ends in one month.
Thus, I need a job.

I have never encountered something more challenging to my identity and insecurities. What have I been specifically created for? What do I really like? What am I passionate about? How do I make my life truly count? What if I'm not good enough, qualified enough, talented enough, etc?

You can see the tailspin my little ball of tumbleweed has taken.

After speaking with a lot of my closest friends, I came to realize that I am not the only person to ever feel this way. I might be one of the few 25 year-olds wrestling with the "real world" adaption though. Italy was a place that my faith was tested, where I learned a ton about myself, and grew up...but it was idyllic. I was surrounded by the most solid people I have ever met, that cared for me, laughed and cried with me and I never had a shortage of who to hang out with on Saturday night.

Come to find out, that is not how it works here.
Silly me.

Yes, I have amazing friends.
But we all work and are not on the same schedule.
For some reason, this reality was not in any of my dreams of Dallas!

Transition is lonely.
And for me, processing through everything is slow.

Neither of those words do I like.

I like things to happen fast and I want everyone to be in it with me.

Hello, Selfish! How are you today in your little bubble-world?

My selfishness has risen to the surface more times than I am willing to admit along with a host of other ugly sins. Some of you may recall my reasoning for coming home to the US of A, namely the fact that I knew my faith would be challenged more in this move than staying in Italy. I really felt the Lord’s assurance that moving back was the best thing then, and now—I can see He was totally right.

Anytime Jesus takes time to show me where I am totally missing it, I know it is a worthwhile season to be in and to fully embrace. This transition period is really hard, but if He is teaching me and changing me to be more like Him—then its good. Really good, in fact, because He loves me enough to do all this pruning!

That is the Big Picture. That is what I need to hope in.
Not a job to define my skills.
My perspective can get so skewed so easily.

So as I slow down (or try to) and as Christ continues to reveal my need for the Gospel, I am just putting one foot in front of the other on the path of pursuing Him and trusting Him to work out the details.

If any of you already adjusted, Kind-Hearted people have any advice or thoughts, feel free to share.

Soon to come: Working 8-5: Why Daylight Savings Stinks, Driving Miss Dallas, and An Inside Look at Internships.

You won’t want to miss a thing!


Anonymous D.O. said...

Oh girl... I feel you. And as such I have nothing of value to contribute, other than to say I'm pretty sure there's nothing wrong at all with wrestling, and wrestling well, through these things.

And as long as you keep putting yourself out there on LBD I'll be here to enjoy the fruits of your creative labor. So you've got that going for you...

3:01 PM  
Blogger Alicia said...

Dearest Sarah -

No, you're not the only one. I could have written these exact words at any time in the last 2 years. Trust me! I love you.


12:58 AM  
Blogger Angela said...

Glad for an update:) I need to see you! Justin says, "When is S.C.A.T. coming to hang out with us?" We definitely need a date!
This is just a season... it will give birth to something new and fresh- but that doesn't necessarily make things any easier in the mean time, huh?

Love ya!

6:26 AM  
Blogger Kat said...

I feel ya the blog Sarah :)

3:41 AM  

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